"Like an unchecked cancer, hate corrodes the personality and eats away its vital unity. Hate destroys a man's sense of values and his objectivity. It causes him to describe the beautiful as ugly and the ugly as beautiful, and to confuse the true with the false and the false with the true."
~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
I have been facing attacks on my marginalized identities from fans of my school board campaign opponents for the last few weeks on social media. I have done my best to disengage and focus on my priorities: my current school board position, my campaign, the suicide prevention coalition, and spending time with friends and family. I have been doing a lot of thinking about these attacks on my queerness, the size of my body, my disability, my neurodivergence; thinking about how to keep going and what I need from this community to keep going. I have had lots of thoughts and lots of feelings. And I wanted to share them. This is a long read, please do me the favor of reading it all.
I have been struggling with the response so many others have had to what is happening to me. I have had so many people dismiss my feelings or offer empty platitudes of “just ignore it”, “keep the faith”, “keep your chin up”, “rise above”, etc. etc.. Or they tell me to “do some self-care”. I teach self-care. I am an expert at self-care. Yet someone facing the things I am facing cannot do self-care without community care supporting them as well. And I am not receiving that at the level needed to counter what I am experiencing. Instead, I continue to be told an endless sea of platitudes. And then every time I turn around I have another demand placed on me for my time and energy from someone else instead of offers of support or care or to take things off my plate so I can have time to do self-care. Hardly anyone is asking me if I am okay or reached out to be a friend. Hardly anyone has offered anything to actually support my basic needs as a human or validate that I am a member of this community that is valued.
What would you do if a neighbor was ill and needed help? Or if a family member or friend was facing grief or something else that was impacting their daily living? How is what I am facing that different as it made daily living difficult to navigate for the last couple weeks? And it continues to impact me.
It has me fearing for my safety daily. I have been stalked before and I worry it will happen again. My address and other details are public. I feel like I have to keep my head on a swivel. I set my home alarm system now and vigilantly check the door and window locks. I cannot just go to the grocery store or do things around town like normal because I am worried I will cross paths with the wrong person and face harm. This is exhausting; mentally, physically, and emotionally. Yet I persist.
There have been those that are showing up on social media to show their love and support. I appreciate that and I appreciate them. My mom is now back from Montana so I am not home alone like I was for most of the attacks so that brings some peace. I see my campaign signs up around town and hear those that say “I am voting for you”. None of the support I am getting is lost on me. I see it, I hear it, I appreciate it. And the reality is, the hate was loud and cut deep. I am human. I have feelings. And the vile comments, some from community leaders and elected officials, are hard to just brush off. And this is because they are about my marginalized identities, things I cannot change, yet am persecuted for again and again by certain members of this community.
This is truly a public health issue in this community. That there are those who believe the things they post and comment are acceptable forms of free speech, especially since I am a candidate running for an elected position. And that others in positions of power and privilege want to distill what is happening down to bullying or just status quo for Tillamook. It is more than bullying. It is HATE SPEECH! It is bigotry. It is defamation and libel. And it is a vile way to allow adults to behave in any sort of public forum unchecked. And I am really struggling with more people not calling it what it is, downplaying it, and basically giving the bigoted voices a free pass to continue to behave this way on a public platform.
What message does the placating and downplaying tell those who hold marginalized identities like I do? Because that is what is being attacked. Not my character, ability to be a board member, or my accomplishments. My queerness, my fatness, my disability, my neurodivergence. Things I cannot change about myself. We have plenty of kids and families that share those identities or hold other marginalized identities. This is negatively impacting them as well. It is not bullying. IT IS HATE SPEECH! Which is not protected by the first amendment.
I do not want to live in a community where those with privilege or in positions of leadership continue to sweep the ugliness under the rug by ignoring it, downplaying it, or telling the victims "just don't look at it", “keep your chin up”, “this is just how it is here”. I am not asking folks to "get in the mud and wrestle with the pigs". I am asking folks to tell the “pigs” their behavior is not acceptable behavior in our community that will not be tolerated. I am asking folks to “Get Loud with Love” and use their voices to stand up and fight for change.
I recognize this may be a new and uncomfortable way of operating here in Tillamook County yet change requires discomfort, especially from those in positions of privilege or power. Those with oppressed or marginalized identities have already been in discomfort. We often live in discomfort. And that should not be the status quo. And it is time for Tillamook to change. Because I live here, along with many others who hold various marginalized identities, and we have every right to exist here and feel safe, welcome, and able to do more than just survive. We are valuable members of this community. We belong.
I understand that this may be how Tillamook has always been. Yet how gross and upsetting is that?!? Is that something folks really want to see continue? Is this what folks want for their kids, their grandkids? Because I can tell you the kids are learning from the adults and perpetuating harmful behavior. Anti Semitic symbols showing up in schools, racial slurs being flung around at sporting events and in the community, and more. It makes me sad, that I as an "outsider" seem to want better for this community than so many members of the community want for themselves. Actually, it more than makes me sad, it breaks my heart. And that is why this has all been so hard for me. Because it is way bigger than me. It impacts others who are vulnerable yet valid and valuable.
I threw myself into this community shortly after moving here almost four years ago and have given so much of my time, talent, experience, dedication and passion to this community. Yet I have repeatedly been met with hatred, slander, libel, defamation, harassment and more for more than half the time I have been here. And I am still here. I am still going. I am still leading. I have no agenda as a community member other than to do what I can to make the community I live in as beautiful in humanity as it is in landscape.
As a community, let's get louder with love, empathy, compassion, kindness, acceptance, understanding, and civility. Let’s change the status quo. I know it can be done. I see the beautiful humanity in this community when it comes to fundraisers, the charity drive, and more. Let’s spread that humanity to include the “others”, those with marginalized identities who are just as deserving of civility, dignity, and respect as anyone else. Let’s show our youth, our future, what it looks like to be kind, caring, compassionate, empathetic, accepting, and understanding humans that build healthy relationships with others and that spreading hate is unacceptable.
xo Amanda
4/27/2025
"Hatred is something peculiar. You will always find it strongest and most violent where there is the lowest degree of culture."
~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Today is Mother’s Day. I woke up to my mom, who moved in with me in October from Montana, taking care of my three babies, who all have four legs and paws. I wished her a Happy Mother’s Day and asked if she wanted me to make some bacon. As I prepared breakfast, I started to think about what today would mean for so many people and how there are those of us that have a little bit of a different experience on this day. And how my own experience of this day has changed over the years.
When I was in my early 20’s I wanted nothing more than to be a mom someday. I had babysat, nannied, taught preschool, studied early childhood, graduated with a degree in Family Science and more by this point in my life. Yet the years went by and children were not in the cards for me.
I have PCOS, polycystic ovarian syndrome. For me to have my own children, it would have taken a medical miracle or major intervention. I was never in a long term, stable enough relationship to endure that and had no desire to do so on my own. Instead, I began the grieving process. Grieving that I would never have a biological child of my own.
I figured I could either become a foster parent or foster to adopt someday once I was settled and ready. In the meantime, I enjoyed being an auntie. Both to my brother’s son and to the kids of my two dearest friends. And I dedicated my professional work to helping children and families whenever possible. Community based behavioral and mental health support, skills trainer, school based mental health associate, child care provider trainer, and more.
I eventually landed in Portland and began attending the Master of Social Work program at PSU to become a school social worker. About halfway through the program, life had other plans. I lost my dad, his parents, and more people (and a pet) than I could count on my fingers and toes in a short span. The grief piled up and my physical health began to get worse. I finally stepped back from grad school and took time to heal. As I worked through all the grief from losing loved ones, I realized the grief of not being a mom still crept up here and there.
In 2021 I moved from Portland to Tillamook to begin another chapter of my life. I had finally come out as queer earlier that year, specifically gray aro-ace. This meant I had zero desire for romantic or other intimate relationships. Instead, I was in my independent era where I got to fully explore what it meant to be me. Again, there was some grieving of identities lost, one of those not being a mom. I embraced being a dog and cat mom instead and continued to enjoy being an auntie.
In 2023 though, I met a youth that was in the foster system here in Tillamook county. They were 17 and had been in the system for about 4 years and been through numerous placements. They identified as transgender and had done the work to begin gender affirming care. Their current placement was marginally supportive and the child was seeking somewhere they could receive more affirming care as they went through surgery. I offered to become emergency certified to support the kid. The process began the next week. By the end of the next month, just a few weeks later, kiddo was in my home.
I was finally a “mom”. It was a hard gig yet also rewarding. I finally had someone that called me mom and there were times we had a lot of fun. Yet high risk teens are a lot of work alone, add in the need of post operative care and the struggles of adapting to finally landing in a healthy placement with expectations, care, and respect and it becomes a lot, for kid and mom. I had little support from DHS and they did not want to acknowledge the issues I was seeing with kiddo. I was worried if the things I was seeing were not addressed while they were in a supportive home, then the kiddo would struggle to be successful out in the world on their own in a few months when they turned 18. But no one wanted to hear me and the kiddo's behaviors escalated, DHS did nothing to support me, and the placement fell apart. I was a mom no more.
The grief was back. With new grief on top. Had I failed? Or did DHS and the system fail me (and kiddo)? Could I still be considered as having been a parent? It was a lot to process. It had not been what I had hoped. And that hurt. A lot. Yet one thing remained the same. My desire to support youth, especially those who are often pushed to the margins.
It was time to come up with a new plan for where to put my passion, experience, education and expertise to use. I had always planned to be involved in public education when I was going to become a school social worker so why not return to public education? But I did not want to become a substitute teacher or go back to school to finish my master’s. I decided to make a plan to run for my local school board instead.
Come back tomorrow for part 2…
xo Amanda
5/11/2025
“Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother.” ~Oprah Winfrey